My COVID-19 Wedding: A Love Story
Read time: About 4 minutes
“Sometimes you roll snake eyes, Rach...”
“Sometimes the whole world rolls snake eyes all at the same time.”
My fiancé, Dan, offered these words to me the night we decided to “cancel” our wedding. I’d spent the past month “holding it together” and “holding out hope” that our end-of-June wedding wouldn’t be impacted by the virus. He stood across from me at the kitchen island. I laid my head down on my crossed forearms and began to cry. Surprisingly, it felt kind of good. It was the first time I’d really cried in a long time. And not because I don’t feel sad. I do.
Dan walked over to me and, without a word, laid his head down on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me. I knew he felt sad too. He was right, though, sometimes things just don’t work out in your favor. Or, in this case, in anyone’s favor.
We got engaged on our 5-year anniversary in the small harbor town of St. Michaels last July. It was the 4th of July, actually, but there were no fireworks in the background. We didn’t even get a decent picture. Just a few grainy selfies from inside the entrance of our bed and breakfast where he had proposed moments ago. It had been just the two of us. I sent the pictures to both of our parents. We both looked happy and also nervous.
Soon after the proposal, I was hit with an enormous wave of anxiety over the idea of planning a wedding. I’d heard so many people say “how stressful” it is to plan a wedding so I assumed it must be true. And so I readied myself for the shitshow that was sure to come. I even expected people to get angry with me along the way. For what? I wasn’t sure.
But as the months went by, I slowly began to feel better. At about four months out, almost all of the big to-do’s had been checked off the list and, as a bonus, no one had gotten (too) upset with me. I started to feel something that I had assumed I’d feel right from the start but hadn’t: excitement. I was really looking forward to this thing!
I was starting to get a visual for how the reception space would look. Light pink and deep red flowers. Circular gold rimmed plates. A wooden arch for the ceremony. I could almost hear the band playing the songs we’d selected as a surprise for Dan’s brother and my friend Lindsey. It would be a magical, enchanted garden. It would be the best day of our lives. And best of all, we’d get to spend it with all of our friends and family. I could see their smiling faces. I could see them dancing to the music. And most importantly, I could see my friends and family from Ohio mixing and mingling with my new friends and family here in Maryland.
But we all know how this story ends. Dan and I are still hoping to get married on our original date, but we won’t be having the celebration. The health and safety of our friends and family far outweigh our desire to go through with the wedding we’ve planned.
Over the past few weeks people have asked me how I’m doing. I typically say something along the lines of “it’s disappointing, but it’s not the end of the world.” And this is absolutely true. It is not the end of the world. I still have my fiancé – the love of my life. We are still getting married. We are both healthy. We’re happy. I’m grateful.
And also, I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’ve cried a few times since making the decision. I’m scared people will get angry with me for carrying on with our wedding without them. I’m scared of making the wrong decision.
Something I keep hearing people say during this pandemic is how guilty they feel. They’re feeling guilty because other people have it worse than them. Maybe they’ve been laid off but they’re healthy whereas others are sick. Maybe their business has slowed down but hasn’t stopped completely like some people they know. Whatever’s going on, they’re feeling down. And on top of feeling down they’re feeling guilty because “other people have it worse.”
Whatever you’re going through, can you let yourself feel it for a minute without the added guilt?
You can feel grateful and sad. Or scared. Or angry.
You can feel compassion for the people who have it worse than you and feel disappointed that your wedding was canceled. Or your graduation. Or your baby shower. Or your birth plan. Or birthday party.
As I sit here writing, I’m also elevating and icing my leg. I bashed my shin hard into a bench as I was getting fitted for my “back-up” wedding dress earlier today. Immediately, it started to bruise, swell, and bleed. I thought about asking for a band-aid but the pink face mask over my nose and mouth made it difficult to talk. I winced in pain and took a few deep breaths to calm myself. I must have gotten it pretty good because even now, several hours later, it’s still throbbing.
But there’s something else there too on top of the pain. If I listen closely, I can hear it. It’s a small voice coming from inside of me. It says “You think that hurts? Other people have injured themselves way worse. You’re lucky to even have legs! Some people don’t have legs. Have you ever thought about that?”
The answer to my question is yes. I have thought about that. It makes me sad.
And it doesn’t change the reality that right now, in this moment, my leg really hurts.