5 Little Words That Forever Changed How I See Myself

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“The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close-up.” – Chuck Palahniuk

“You’re the only one who notices it, Rachel. Stop fixating on it and go on with your life.” 

 My mom has said this to me so many times over the years during my many acne-related meltdowns. Honestly, she deserves a trophy for listening to me complain about it over and over again. So does my husband.

 Anyone who’s ever dealt with relentless, persistent acne knows what you’re “supposed” to do: Stop fixating on it. Move on. Live your life. 

 If only it were that easy.  

 I’ve had skin issues since high school, but several years ago it got so bad that I decided to hire a health coach who specialized in adult acne. Among other things, she had me stop all my acne medications, smear aloe all over my face at night, drink about a gallon of mint water a day, and give up just about everything that was fun to eat (or drink).

This works for a lot of people but, unfortunately, I was not one of them. And, in fact, in an act of utter rebellion, my face went absolutely berserk. I’m talking monstrous, painful cysts all over my face. And because I couldn’t stop myself from messing with it, I often had cuts and scabs mixed in as well.

 During that time, I wouldn’t leave the house without first spending several hours tediously applying makeup. It was a real drag. I remember being so self-conscious that, when going out to eat, I would always request the table in the dimmest light. It became my life’s mission to never let anyone see my face in direct sunlight. This meant I often walked with my head down. I also went to great lengths to avoid mirrors. Even mildly reflective surfaces like car windows or cell phones were the enemy. One small, accidental glance could bring me to my knees.

 All of this was happening around the same time that I decided to enroll in a program to become a certified coach. And it was during my in-person classes (on a bathroom break to be exact) when a fellow coach-in-training made a small comment that changed not only the way I felt about my acne but also how I saw myself as a person. 

 In this particular moment, I found myself standing in the bathroom glaring at myself in the mirror from about 10 feet back. I would’ve never allowed myself to look in the mirror from a normal distance (i.e., up close) because I would’ve risked a total breakdown. In fact, I would’ve avoided looking at myself at all if possible. But on that particular day, I had some especially bad spots on my face– several of which had been bleeding earlier in the morning – and I wanted to make sure everything was still intact. 

 I felt embarrassed to be behaving so oddly in front of my classmates and hoped no one would notice that I was dabbing at my face with a powder puff while backed up against the bathroom wall like a weirdo. It was then, as I hurried to shove my makeup back in my bag, that one of my classmates looked up at me from washing her hands and said with a heartfelt smile, “You’re so pretty.”

I scoffed! Me? Pretty!? Don’t you see what a bumpy mess I am?

While a “Thank you” would’ve sufficed, what I ended up saying was, “You’ve got to be kidding me – my face has never been this broken out in my life.”

She looked at me, genuinely surprised, as if she hadn’t noticed my acne at all, and said something profound...

 “That’s only on the surface.”

Her words penetrated me. It was like I had been hit with a capital T Truth Bomb.

In a very literal and surface-level sense, the message I received was: Hey, you have a face underneath that acne. That face has features and those features can still be *pretty* in spite of the acne. 

That made me feel good. I had gotten so wrapped up in my bumpy complexion that, in all honesty, I had forgotten I had a face underneath of it.

But in a deeper and more profound sense, the message I received was this: All the things that you’re worrying about, Rachel, they’re just on the surface. You, as a person, are so much deeper than that.

So your chin’s bleeding right now? It’s just on the surface.

So you’re trying something new and feeling self-conscious and unsure of yourself? It’s just on the surface.

So you’re definitely an adult now and still not sure what you want to do with your life? It’s just on the surface.

All the things going “wrong” in your life right now – they’re just on the surface. 

Your worth runs deeper than that. Your soul runs deeper than that. 

  Life is always changing. Thoughts are always changing. The only thing that remains constant is you. The you that’s left when everything else is stripped away. The beautiful, always okay (and sometimes bumpy) you.