This Actually Happened Right Before I Met My Husband
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“Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.” – Vanilla Sky
It was the summer of 2013 and I was sitting on the floor of my new apartment feeling very sad and very alone. I had just moved to Annapolis, Maryland from Cincinnati, Ohio to start my first “big girl” job and was experiencing for the very first time the feeling of not knowing a single soul in my vicinity. It was overwhelming.
I wanted friends. That was true. But more than anything I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted someone I could get so wrapped up in that I could forget all about being 500 miles from home. But I knew that couldn’t happen. Not yet.
On that particular day I found myself reminiscing about my past relationships. The lies. The betrayal. The drama. The incredibly low lows followed by – what seemed at the time like – incredibly high highs. The highs that kept me hanging on for far too long time and again out of sheer boredom and a lack of self-respect. It was clear that my dating history had been just one major disaster after another. And I knew it had to stop here.
I decided that, even though I desperately wanted a boyfriend to distract me from my loneliness, I was going to wait. I saw this fresh start in Maryland as my opportunity to turn things around and possibly find the one. My husband. And if I wanted to find him, I couldn’t bring this god-awful baggage with me. I couldn’t, for instance, bring the belief that men are liars and can’t be trusted. I also couldn’t bring the belief that I wasn’t cool enough or pretty enough for a really great guy. And I sure as hell couldn’t bring the belief that relationships are built on drama. Somewhere in me I truly believed that you couldn’t have the highs without the intense lows. It was time to let all of that go.
And so, I devised a plan.
I started by deciding that I would take an entire year off from dating. No matter what, I would not enter into a relationship with another human being for at least a year. This step was important. And the point was to put enough space between me and my past relationships that I no longer believed things like “all men are liars and will probably cheat on me and so it’s appropriate for me to do things like go through their phones or computers when they aren’t in the room.” I knew that wasn’t going to fly anymore.
Next, I got the idea to make a list. Once my year of dating celibacy had ended, I would need to know exactly what I was looking for in a partner. I put it all down in writing.
Future Husband:
- Laid Back
- Caring
- Compassionate
- Humble
- Smart
- Loving of all
- Tolerant
- Hard-Working
- Open-Minded
- Loyal
- Supportive
- Passionate
I was happy with that list, but I felt like something was missing. What I was ultimately looking for was a relationship, not just another person. So where was my part in this? An idea came to me, and I decided to make a second list of the qualities I would work on in myself to be a worthy match for my future partner.
I Will Be:
- Patient
- Confident
- Accepting
- Non-Judgmental
- Not so hard on myself
- Less of a procrastinator
- Goal-Driven
- Optimistic
- Down to earth
- Less needy
Essentially, these were all the things I already knew I needed to work on in myself but with an emphasis on qualities that – I believed – would make me a better partner. (I will say that I am still a major procrastinator but at least I am now on time for things and that alone has been enough to thrill my husband.)
After completing both lists, I read them over and thought, “Okay, now what?” And from there I decided that I would do the only things I could do. I would work on myself – without being all frantic and super strict about it (after all, being “not so hard on myself” was on my list). And, more importantly, I would put my lists away and – in the words of George Michael – I would have faith. Faith that this person existed. And faith that if I did my part (i.e., worked on myself and had a good attitude about the whole thing), I would find him.
And, you know what? I did.
I met my husband about a month or so after making my lists and we started dating a little less than a year after that. We got married five months ago. He is every single item on that list and more.
So what do I think happened here? Do I believe I “manifested” my husband? (For those unfamiliar with the concept, manifestation is a spiritual process where you bring something or someone into your life by “thinking,” “feeling,” and/or “believing” them into existence. List-making is one of many tools used.) My answer is maybe.
Honestly, I don’t even know if I believe in manifestation as it’s presented in books like “The Secret” (i.e., all methodic and mystical). What I do know is that I took charge of absolutely everything I could take charge of (my own attitude and self-improvement) and decided not to worry about the rest (when, where, and how I would meet this person). And I think that’s a pretty good strategy for living your life. For me, it was also a pretty great strategy for finding my husband. And I thought that was worth sharing.