Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: Making Friends with Dark Emotions through RAIN
Read time: About 5 minutes
I’d like to start by giving a quick shout-out to my good old friends Sadness, Shame, and Fear for inspiring today’s blog post. If it weren’t for their sudden and unexpected drop-in during my drive to Whole Foods this morning, I would’ve gone in a completely different direction.
Okay, let’s jump right in! Dark emotions get a bad rep, you guys. I have to admit, when they visited me earlier today, my first thought was “oh no.” I could feel myself tensing up and my breath becoming so shallow it was barely detectable. It felt real bad. But then, luckily, I remembered I had options.
My meditation instructor, Monica Jordan of EmbraceMindfulness.org, often says that remembering our tools is the hardest part of navigating a more mindful life. When we’re caught up in negative thinking or in the grip of an unwanted emotion, it can feel so overwhelming that we forget we do have options. We have ways of coping.
So today I’d like to share with you one incredibly useful tool for dealing with emotions – especially those we’d rather not deal with.
The purpose of this tool, which is represented by the acronym RAIN, is to allow us to be fully present with and less resistant to our emotions as they’re occurring. Now, WHY on earth would we want to do that? Wouldn’t it be better if we could just avoid them entirely? Or distract ourselves from them?
Well here’s the thing about that – you can’t. Not really. And, in fact, the more you try to fight off an emotion, the longer it stays with you – right underneath the surface waiting to be set off by a comment or a thought or a video you watched on Facebook. In his book “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma,” Dutch psychiatrist Besser van der Kolk, M.D. says:
“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves.”
In allowing emotions to move through us rather than resisting them, we’re able to return to our natural state of okay-ness more quickly.
So the next time you’re caught in the grip of a “dark emotion” (e.g., sadness, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, anger), just remember to RAIN.
1) R is for Recognize. The first step is simply to recognize that you’re experiencing an emotion. Sounds easy right? Well, this is where your “remembering” comes in and, as we’ve discussed, that’s often the hardest part. We tend to get so caught up in the emotion (and the accompanying thoughts), that we don’t realize what’s happening. So once you recognize you’re experiencing an emotion, pat yourself on the back and then see if you can name it. Is it anger? Frustration? A combination of things? Try using a statement like, “Hey, this is _______ I’m experiencing right now.”
2) A is for Allow. This is the opposite of our habitual response to dark emotions. Typically, we fight them, resist them, or attempt to numb ourselves with food, alcohol, or insert your favorite way to “feel different.” But what I’m asking you to do here is accept – even welcome –the emotion into your experience. Perhaps offer a soft, mental “Hello” or a “You are welcome here.” When I got to this step earlier today, my inner voice started singing, “Hello darkness, my old friend...” which actually made me laugh a little. Try your hardest to genuinely welcome your emotion knowing that it won’t be there forever. But for right now, the two of you are here and in this together.
3) I is for Investigate. Now, listen carefully – this is NOT about investigating your thoughts. If you find yourself focusing on your thoughts, gently, and without judging yourself, let them go. This step is asking you to investigate the physical sensations in your body that accompany your emotion. What’s happening in your body right now? What does sadness feel like? For me, this morning, it felt like tension in my throat, tightness around my heart, a scrunched up face, and shallow breathing. Try not to think about it. Just feel it. Go at it with a sense of openness and curiosity and allow the emotion to fully express itself inside of you. (Nothing bad will happen to you, I promise.)
4) N is for Nurture with Self-Compassion. There are different versions of RAIN, but in this version, N stands for nurture with self-compassion. This step asks you to recognize the vulnerable part of you that is hurting in the moment and shower it with compassion. The same compassion you might offer a small child or animal who is scared. Tara Brach, American psychologist, and D.C.-based meditation teacher suggests that self-compassion arises naturally when we recognize that we’re in pain. Although optional, you may want to place a hand over your heart or offer yourself a kind message. I like to use something simple like, “It’s okay” or “You’re okay.”
And that’s all there is to it! Now, before you take this and run with it (which I sincerely hope you do), let me say this: As with all things, this takes practice. I once took a Tara Brach course and we focused on RAIN for an entire week! You don’t need to take a course to benefit from RAIN, though. Simply give it a try – and then give it a few more tries – and see what happens. And don’t worry if you forget some stuff. Just focus on the big picture of each step and you’ll be feelin’ your feelings (and loving it) in no time. If you’re up for it, shoot me a message – I’d love to hear about your experience!
Happy RAINing, ya’ll!