Dear Helpers of the World: You Don't Have to Have it all Together

 

Read Time: About 4 minutes

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Dear coaches, therapists, and mental health workers,

Dear moms, dads, and older siblings,

Dear mentors and teachers, 

 Dear anyone caring for someone in need,

 I need you to know something: You don’t have to have it all together.

I know it might seem like you do, but hear me out. I know it’s tempting to believe that because others depend on you or look to you for help, that you need to have it all figured out. That you need to be “on top of your game” at all times. But, for right now, I ask you to be open to the possibility that you don’t. 

You, my friend, are a work in progress! You are never going to have it all figured out. And you don’t have to. You are a human being. And, as a human being, you are susceptible to the ups and downs of living a human life. You are susceptible to the trials and tribulations of being a person in the world and, to be frank, you’re not always going to get it right. And that’s okay.

No matter how much work you’ve done on yourself, there will always be more. I mention this not to exhaust you but to free you from the lies we believe about what it means to be in the helping profession. Or what it means to be someone who cares for someone else (your children, your students, your aging relatives). 

  I’m granting you permission: You’re allowed to have bad days. You can even have bad weeks or months. You can say the wrong thing sometimes. You’re imperfect and so am I. We’re all in this together. 

 I’d also like to mention...

 It’s okay to be scared. Sometimes you might be fearful of the big unknown. That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel fear just like everyone else. You’re allowed to feel the full range of human emotions: sadness, anger, frustration, shame, disappointment. Nothing is off limits. You aren’t above any of it. It’s all here for you to show you something real and true about yourself. Please don’t ignore it. Everything’s okay.  

 And before I forget...

 It’s okay to seek help for yourself. This one is REALLY important. Because sometimes overwhelming emotions are fleeting but other times they’re not. Sometimes you might notice that you’ve been feeling bad for a long time and, in spite of your efforts, not much is budging. Yes you, the helper, can seek out help for yourself. And, in fact, you’re probably going to need to at some point because you’re probably a sensitive person (and that’s wonderful). But it also means you tend to feel things more intensely than others. And, because you are a regular human and not a super human, you won’t always know how to cope on your own.  And you really don’t need to. Remember it’s all okay.  

 Oh, and that reminds me...

It’s okay to talk about what you’re feeling. I know that typically you’re the one with the shoulder to lean on. You’re the one who listens compassionately. But don’t forget it’s okay for the roles to be reversed. You’re allowed to reach out to a dear friend or family member and receive that love you give so freely to others. I bet they’ll even be grateful for the chance to return the favor and honored you chose them. Don’t forget that none of this means anything is wrong with you. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Quite the opposite, in fact. Vulnerability takes courage. It’s okay to be vulnerable.  

 And in case no one’s told you recently...

 It’s okay do things just for you. I know that giving and caring for others is deeply ingrained in you. It’s part of who you are. But please don’t forget that you are your own person – full of wants, hopes, dreams, and desires. Maybe you haven’t considered them in awhile. Maybe you think that taking time for yourself or doing things just for you is a luxury you don’t have the time or energy for. I’m here to tell you otherwise. Don’t forget about you. Whether you realize it or not, you are the most important person in your life. (And deep down, I think you do realize it.) Maybe you’ve been neglecting yourself lately. That’s okay. Today is your day to make a new choice.

 I know you feel you must always be strong. I know there are people who depend on you. People you look out for. People whose tears you dry and whose hand you hold. I know they look to you for help in navigating the darkness. They look to you for light.

 Just remember that you can do all those things and you can also be a real, imperfect human at the same time. I repeat: You don’t have to have it all together. And please don’t try. Your imperfection lives inside of you, waiting for your acknowledgement. Waiting for your acceptance and approval. 

 If you choose to embrace it, I promise you’ll shine even brighter.