You Don't Have to Make Sense (The Advice I Didn't Know I Needed)
Read Time: About 6 minutes
A few months ago I was scrolling through Facebook when I stumbled upon a post that went something like this: “Help! I have two very conflicting styles and I don’t know what to do about it. You see, I like to dress very chic and sophisticated but my house is decorated all natural and bohemian. Any advice?”
I spit my imaginary drink across the room, in disbelief of what I had just read. Something yelled out from inside of me: “GIRL, WHO CARES?! You don’t have to make sense!”
In retrospect, I’m not proud of my reaction to this post because, admittedly, I was feeling a little high and mighty. As if I was so above this whole thing. As if I’m so liberated to be myself in all areas of my life at all times. In the following months I would learn that I actually needed this advice at least as much as the girl with the style crisis. (Life really does have a sense of humor. It loves to take the things you’ve so masterfully “figured out” and hurl them at you like slippery banana peels ripe for the trippin’!)
So anyway, something I’ve observed in myself and others is that many of us hold an oftentimes unconscious belief that we, as individuals, need to “make sense.” This can be something as superficial as believing our outer appearance should conform to a certain stereotype. Or it can be something as awful as believing that authentic parts of our personality don’t “fit” with the rest of us, ultimately leading us to suppress parts of who we are (not okay!).
To paint a clearer picture, allow me to quickly share my own experience of trying (and failing) to “make sense” where no sense was needed.
Around the same time I was feeling all high and mighty about the Facebook post, I was also experiencing some MAJOR challenges with writing the copy for my website (we’re talking serious struggle bus). Everything I wrote sounded phony. I was literally rolling my eyes at my own writing. “WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?!” I thought. “I’ve re-written this 10 times and it still sounds like a load of b.s.”
Several months passed before I finally realized what was going on. All this time, I had been trying really, really, hard to (dum dum dum) “make sense.” Subconsciously, I was believing that because I offered things like guided meditations and talked about things like self-compassion that I couldn’t also use curse words or even have a sense of humor in my writing. Because, well, wouldn’t that be confusing for people? And in doing so, I was pigeonholing myself into an identity that wasn’t entirely authentic. And it felt really bad. Because, yes, I like to get my zen on, but I also like to sprinkle my writing (and talking) with tasteful profanity that comes from the heart. I’m literally not me without it!
I’d also like to point out that THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO RULE THAT SAYS ANY OF THESE THINGS ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! That was just something I’d made up in my head. And I didn’t even realize it but it was holding me back in a major way.
So let me to ask you: What rules are you making up for yourself in your head? Complete the following sentence and see what comes up:
“Because I am ____________ (insert trait/quality) I cannot also be _________________ (insert seemingly contradictory trait/quality).”
Or try this one on for size:
“Because I am a(n) _________ (insert role) I cannot also be/have/do _______________ (insert contradictory trait/goal/desire/etc.).”
However your sentence reads, I have one thing to say about it: It’s total bullshit. And it’s holding you back.
A Shining Example of No-Sense Making
As I became more and more curious about this topic, I started thinking about one of my dear friends, Sarah. Since we were kids, Sarah has given exactly zero shits about making sense as a human being and it’s one of the many reasons I love and admire her. She is a wife and mother of three. She is a farmer, a beekeeper, a professional baker, a yogi and dancer, an interior design school drop-out, an NRA certified handgun instructor and Range Safety Officer, a cheerleading coach, and a PTO Secretary. She plays the banjo, ukulele, and the drums, is partial to tattoos and wildly colored hair, and lives in a farmhouse decorated with skulls (metal).
So to gain a little insight into the mind of a master no-sense maker, I asked Sarah to answer a few questions for me. Her answers did not disappoint and I think you will find them both amusing and inspiring on your own journey to embrace everything that makes you you (the good, the bad, and especially the weird).
Q. For you personally, what is the benefit of living outside the box?
A. “It’s seriously no fun to have borders and restrictions on your personality. I like to break rules – natural born rule breaker. So anytime I can, I break the rules! As a kid, it certainly made it harder to fit in since there’s no one group that you really align with. But, as an adult, it makes it a lot easier. Adulthood is more (about) individual-based interactions I think, so it’s easier to relate to more people. There are definitely still clicks, and I’m not really in any of them, but I do bounce around in all of them.”
Q. What has given you the courage to live this way without apology?
A. “To be honest, I don’t (lol). I think many people are turned off by me (but) maybe not. Either way...I’m happy with me. I love most everything about me. My kids love me and my husband loves me. So I’m not losing sleep over the critics.”
Q. What encouraging words would you offer to someone who is trying to live outside the box and finding it difficult?
A. “At the end of the day, it’s just you. It’s a hell of a lot easier to be content with yourself and your life if you’re allowing yourself to be unapologetically you. The stress you add by trying to hide parts of your personality is just so unnecessary. It’s so cliché, but the people who are meant to be in your life will be. Some people may not like you, and that’s okay! It’s so important to remember you have to like you! When you go to bed at night, you only have to answer to yourself, and it’s so much easier when you like the you that you are.
At some point, you’ve probably heard someone say “let your freak flag fly.” I’d like to encourage you to take it a step further and let all of your flags fly high and proud right next to each other. Even if they don’t “make sense” together. Even if you’ve never seen that combination of flags before and it makes you nervous that maybe people won’t like it very much. Or maybe people will be confused.
Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. Who knows. Who cares. The only thing I know is that any other way is boring and feels bad. Any other way is depriving the whole world of the one and only You with a capital Y. And, believe it or not, the world needs You with a capital Y.
Don’t you ever forget it.