How to Do Confrontation Without Pissing People Off
Read Time: Under 8 minutes
I realize that Halloween has come and gone but because it’s my favorite holiday, I thought we’d talk about something dark and spooky today. Something terrrrrrrrifying, if you will. Something both you and I have no doubt gone out of our way to avoid. Ah, yes, it’s the dreaded (dum dum dum)...confrontation.
Let me start by saying: I don’t think it’s confrontation that we’re scared of. I think it’s our ability to “do” confrontation in a way that makes things better and not worse. It’s also our general tendency to avoid situations with a lot of “unknown” (e.g., how the other person will respond). (Perhaps a better title for this would be “How to Do Confrontation While Decreasing the Likelihood of Pissing People Off” because, let’s face it, we can’t stop someone from getting angry – that’s their deal.)
But consider this: Have you ever carried around resentment over something that someone has said or done in the past? Perhaps even a close friend or family member? Or, even worse, have you passively watched a once cherished relationship fizzle out because of an unspoken hurt or resentment? Maybe it was something subtle like a perceived lack of communication between you and your once single friend after they started dating. Maybe it was something more explicit like a heated argument that was never properly addressed that left you feeling hostile. Whatever the cause, consider for a moment why you chose to keep it bottled up inside rather than address it.
If I had to guess, I’d say it’s at least partially because: CONFRONTATION IS HARD AND SCARY! Or, at the very least, it really, really feels that way. Especially when we’ve never really been taught how to go about it. But when done properly, it has the potential to both save relationships and free you from the very unnecessary burden of carrying around anger and resentment. And that is precisely why we owe it to ourselves to get better at it.
Defining confrontation
Recently I’ve taken an interest in learning more about the art of confrontation (which I’ll define as instigating a proactive conversation about a perceived wrongdoing or pain point in the relationship for purposes of improving the relationship) and I’d like to share with you a few big takeaways plus a simple outline for shaping the conversation.
I’ve personally had the opportunity to apply these concepts in my own life and, while it doesn’t make the conversation totally pleasant, it does make things a hell of a lot easier. So without further ado...
Takeaway #1: Before you even talk...set the right intention
So you’ve gathered up the nerve to have an open conversation about the thing that’s been bugging you. GREAT! Now, before you sit down to talk, you must ask yourself: Why am I having this conversation? What is my goal?And be honest. If your intention is any of the following (or something similar), I recommend pumping the brakes:
· Proving that you are right and they are wrong
· Making them feel bad
· Demanding a change and/or an apology.
I encourage you to only initiate a confrontation for purposes of making things better between you and the other person. With that intention in mind, you can strive to create understanding by speaking kindly and truthfully and listening intently. And that brings me to my next point.
Takeaway #2: In order to be heard, you must first listen
If you want to be heard by the other person, you must demonstrate a willingness to listen. Even if you don’t want to. Even if you think you are right and they are wrong. Remember, there truly is no right or wrong. There is only your perspective and theirs. And if you want them to hear your perspective, you must also hear theirs, AND you must resist the temptation to interrupt, argue, or roll your eyes dramatically.
This is about giving the other person the chance to give you insight into their perspective which will likely be different from yours. Try being open and curious. See if you can understand where they’re coming from. It’s often tempting to interrupt when you hear something you believe to be incorrect (e.g., “No, I absolutely did not do that thing you just said I did.”). Try your best to resist the urge to interrupt in the moment and remember that you will have your chance to respond (and calmly correct any misconceptions or misunderstandings) once they have finished speaking.
Time for the talk
What follows is an outline describing what to actually say in a difficult or confrontational conversation from the book “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. The only thing I will say about this book is this: READ IT! The information that follows is only a small portion of the magic contained inside.
1. State your observations
The first thing you’ll want to think about and communicate is this: What actually happened? At first glance this seems pretty straightforward. Don’t be fooled my friend – it is not! You absolutely must think about this beforehand.
What we tend to communicate in a confrontation is our evaluations and interpretations of what happened (e.g., “You don’t care about spending time with me anymore.”) rather than what actually, objectively happened (e.g., “For the past few nights, you’ve played video games for several hours after work and haven’t asked me about my day.”). See the difference? The problem with communicating your evaluations rather than the facts is twofold: 1) We are often wrong and 2) Evaluations are often received as criticism and criticism is often not received well.
2. Express your feelings
After stating the facts, it’s time to express how you feel about it. This is all about taking ownership of how we are feeling without placing blame on the other person (or ourselves). It’s vital here to express a true feeling (e.g., anger, fear, indifference, sadness, unease) rather than further interpretations of the situation (e.g., “I feel rejected” translates to “I feel that you rejected me.”). A few other ways we use the word “feel” without actually expressing a feeling:
“I feel that you don’t care about spending time with me.”
“I feel like you just don’t understand my needs.”
These examples are essentially just more thoughts and interpretations. Additionally, these are all things that typically cause defensiveness in the other person, can easily be argued, and are probably incorrect. By expressing a pure feeling (e.g., “I felt sad when you didn’t ask me about my day.”), you are communicating something that is true, cannot be argued, and is less likely to be heard as criticism by the other person.
3. State your needs
Underneath every hurt feeling is a need or value that has been squashed by a situation (or our interpretation of it). After you’ve stated your observations and expressed your feelings, it’s time to identify your unmet need/value. Essentially, this is the reason you are feeling hurt, sad, angry, etc. In my experience, this is probably the most difficult thing to identify and requires a bit of self-reflection.
So ask yourself: What need or value of mine is not being honored in this situation? In the ongoing example, maybe it’s connection or closeness. Maybe it’s quality time. Whatever it is, it’s imperative to include it as part of your conversation. We can’t expect others to honor our needs if they’re never actually spoken.
4. Make a request
The fourth and final piece of a successful confrontation is stating a clear, actionable request that, if met, would help meet your needs. Keep in mind: This is a request, not a demand. It’s important to include this because raising an issue without a potential solution isn’t conducive to making things better. As much as we’d like for people to read our minds and then employ effective strategies for meeting our needs, it just doesn’t work that way. Based on the ongoing example, here are a few possible requests:
“Going forward, would you be willing to limit the video games to once per week?”
“In the future, would you be willing to have a conversation about how our days have gone each night?”
And yes, we are taking a “risk” that the person will say no, but you’ll never receive what you don’t ask for. Additionally, a “no” doesn’t necessarily mean the conversation is over. It just means that more honest communication (and more listening) is needed.
That’s it!
If you want more tips and insight on effective communication, I cannot recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s “Nonviolent Communication” enough.
Happy confronting, y’all!