How to Squeeze More Joy (And Less Annoy) Out of Family Time this Holiday Season

Read Time: About 6 minutes

Something I’ve noticed is that, when it comes to the holidays, people tend to be either really stoked or really “okay, let’s get this over with.” Personally, I’ve found myself in both camps at various points in my life depending on (among other things) my general attitude about spending a big ole chunk of time with family.   

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my family dearly. And I don’t live with them (or anywhere near them) anymore, so I genuinely cherish the time we have together over the holidays. But I will say, I haven’t always. And while I was much younger then (and much less appreciative of life in general), I was also simply unaware of how to make the most of that time. 

Maybe you’re someone who already knows how to squeeze a bunch of joy out of time with loved ones. Maybe it even comes naturally to you. In that case, congratulations! Or maybe you can look back on holidays passed and recall times that you were, perhaps unnecessarily, overcome by annoy[i] (e.g., “Dad, we’ve already heard you tell that story 25 times”). Either way, what follows is a few of my favorite tips for getting in the holiday spirit and enjoying the hell out of your family time. Because you can’t choose your family, but you can absolutely choose your attitude. And, as it turns out, that’s what really makes the difference. 

Tip #1: Identify and then drop or flip your expectations

When I’m working with a coaching client who is overcome by annoy regarding a particular person in their life, one of the first things I ask them is: “What are your expectations for that person?” It’s something we don’t usually think about but that plays a major role in our attitudes toward people. 

Let’s do a quick exercise. See if you can bring to mind a person who tends to provoke you or who, in general, elicits strong feelings of annoy (or offend, or some other unwanted reaction). Bonus points if they’re a family member you’ll soon be spending time with! Now complete the following sentences:

·      “I really wish that So-And-So was a little more _________ and a little less ____________.”

·      “I really wish that So-And-So would stop ___________ and start ____________.” 

A few examples are: “I really wish my sister was a little more interested in my life and a little less self-involved” or “I really wish that Uncle George would stop complaining about the state of the world and start a conversation about something a little lighter.”

What we’re identifying here are the specific traits and behaviors that we personally deem as desirable or undesirable in others (i.e., our expectations for them). These are the qualities we think they should or shouldn’t have and the things we think they should or shouldn’t do. 

The problem with having these types of expectations is that we’re inevitably setting ourselves up to be disappointed by the people in our lives when they don’t live up to them. Sometimes we’re not even aware of the expectations we have. We just know that we feel strongly that someone should be different than they are (e.g., more open, more conversational, more on time, less self-involved). But the big, obvious reality here is that we don’t get to decide who people should be. And things get a lot easier for us when we stop trying. 

(As a side note, I am not talking about instances where personal boundaries are being crossed. I’m also not talking about letting people walk all over you. I’m simply talking about dropping your expectations for how people “should” be and, instead, trying to let them be who they are. See my previous blog on the art of confrontation for times where speaking up is needed.)

So what do we do with our expectations once we identify them? Well, first, give yourself a pat on the back because identifying expectations is the key to understanding our reactions to and attitudes towards people. From there, see which of them you’re willing to drop (the more the merrier!). 

Another option for the expectations we’ve identified is to flip them[ii]. This means realizing that the “should’s” we place on others are actually meant to inform us of our own values and needs. 

So, for instance, the thought “My cousin should stop gossiping about people” becomes “I don’t want to gossip about people (because it goes against my values).” Or, the thought “My mom should be more accepting of my life choices” becomes “I want to be more accepting of others’ life choices (because acceptance is important to me)” or “I want to be more accepting of my own life choices (because then I wouldn’t rely so much on acceptance from others).” 

See how that works? It’s all information for you. And the more you’re able to identify the “should’s” you place on others and either drop them all together or see them as your own personal values, the more you’ll enjoy your time with loved ones. 

Tip #2: Get real morbid and remember that we aren’t going to be here forever

Alright guys, I’m about to get real morbid and a little existential, but it’s for a good cause – I promise. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE ONE DAY. Sorry, let me try that again...

It’s easy to take the people in our lives for granted because we forget that they aren’t going to be around forever. And while it’s probably a good thing not to walk around contemplating death all the time, it’s also good to remember that absolutely everything about this life is temporary. Both the good and the bad. Truly reflecting on this can make the bad things a little more bearable and, perhaps more importantly, can fill us with gratitude for the good things that are part of our lives right now (e.g., our friends and family). 

Let’s do a quick reflection. I’d like you to bring to mind a loved one who is no longer with us. And, specifically, I’d like you to think about what it was about that person that you miss so much. What traits or qualities bring a smile to your face when you recall them? Was it their laugh? Their incredible hugs? Their off-the-wall sense of humor?

Now here’s part two. Keeping that same person in mind, I’d like you to think about something that may have annoyed or irritated you at one point about that person. And bear in mind, there’s no shame here. We’re all human. We all get irritated with each other – even our loved ones (especially our loved ones). Do you have your thing in mind? (For a personal example, I’m thinking of my grandpa who passed away several years ago who would berate you for not liking any food that he liked – which was all food.)  

So here’s where I’m going with this: What wouldn’t you give to have one more day with that person even if it were filled only with the thing or things that annoyed you? 

I know that I, personally, would give a lot. And as sad as this thought experiment can be, it’s worth doing every once in awhile because here’s what’s really important: WE CAN APPRECIATE THE PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES ON THIS LEVEL RIGHT NOW! Even the ones that irritate us. 

So if you’d like to squeeze a little more joy and a little less annoy out of your loved ones tomorrow (or anytime), I challenge you to – right now – make a list of everyone who’s going to be there and write down something about them that you’re going to pay extra special attention to and appreciate the hell out of. It can be literally anything, and you get bonus points if it’s something you’ve previously been annoyed by (qualities that are annoying can oftentimes be endearing with a little perspective shift).  

And that’s all there is to it! 

I’m wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with scrumptious food, quality time with friends and family, and a little intentional perspective shifting if and when you feel the annoy. ;) 

Oh, and I almost forgot...let your dad tell the story again. It brings him joy.  

Happy holidays y’all!

[1] For a comprehensive how-to on cultivating more joy and less annoy in all areas of life, read Sarah Knight’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck”

[1] The “flip it” technique outlined here is largely inspired by the work of the one and only Byron Katie in her book “Loving What Is”