"What if This Wasn't a Big Deal?" And Other Helpful Questions to Ask When You're Freaking Out
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You’ve probably heard the famous Mark Twain quote: “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
I did a little research and it seems no one really knows for sure whether this was Mark Twain (or whether these were even the right words), but damn that’s a powerful message. It calls attention to something that is both difficult to admit and painfully undeniable: We are the source of most of our problems. Or, said another way, most of the shit we worry about has never and will never happen. At least not the way we think it will. And probably not at all.
In the moment, though, the things we worry about absolutely seem like real problems that require immediate, focused attention.
Just last night I was worrying (i.e., freaking out) about my wedding next summer. I was laying in bed with the lights out, all wrapped up in my favorite comforter with the sound of the air purifier humming in the background. I could hear my fiancé snoring loudly (I mean breathing gently) next to me. All was well. Then suddenly, the thought occurred to me: “Some of the guests are going to know lots of people at the wedding BUT SOME OF THEM WON’T KNOW ANYONE AT ALL! OMG OMG OMG. WHAT WILL THEY DO?! They’ll feel so bored and alone and will probably want to leave early! But the band will be playing until 11 PM! I knew we shouldn’t have added an extra hour to the reception! Who will I sit them next to?! Each other? What if they don’t like each other?!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I worried about this (and other related b.s.) for a good long while. But I eventually snapped out of it thanks to one simple thought: “What if this wasn’t a big deal?”
As soon as I posed the question, I laughed at myself. Not only was this not a big deal but it was unlikely to even be a real problem. My mind had been playing tricks. But in the moment, it sure as hell seemed like a real problem – and one that required an immediate solution.
I use the “What if this wasn’t a big deal?” question a lot because I know that brains have the capacity to make everything seem like a big deal. Even things that are totally made up and highly unlikely. Each of our thoughts has the potential to hook us and reel us in. For this reason, I like to check in from time to time to ensure I’m not giving a particular thought more time, attention (and worry) than it deserves.
Toxic or useful worry?
Another way to “snap out of it” when you’ve been hooked by a worrisome thought is to consider whether the worry you’re engaging in is toxic or useful. In her book “Choose Wonder Over Worry,” author, artist, and speaker Amber Rae describes toxic worry as “the relentless, looping thoughts that paralyze and prevent you from taking action or moving forward...the gripping rumination on the past and anxiety about the future” and useful worry as “the foresight to imagine setbacks and challenges, make a plan, and take action.”
She also poses two questions for determining whether we’re currently engaging in toxic or useful worry:
• Is this a real possibility?
• Is there any productive action I can take right now?
This is particularly useful for worries that keep us up at night. Unless you can identify that your current worry is a real possibility AND you’re willing to get up out of bed – right then and there – and do something about it, then I encourage you to let it go. If it truly requires your attention, it will be there for you in the morning.
A cautionary note on “Is this a real possibility?” – I’ve found that my brain will automatically say “Yes!” because there’s very few things we can know for sure (more on that later). So I like to replace this question with “Is this a likely possibility?”
Other helpful questions
What do I not have control over in this situation?
If you’re stumped on this one allow me to help: You certainly cannot control other people (including but not limited to their thoughts, opinions, and reactions to you). And, on a broader note, you cannot control most things in life. But you already knew that!
It’s easy to forget, though, when you’re in the grip of worry which is why it’s imperative to remind yourself sometimes. The next time you find yourself mid-freak out, ask yourself “What, specifically, can I not control here?” And once you identify those things, try your darndest to let them go.
How can this be fun?
Sometimes we also find ourselves worrying about (or perhaps “dreading”) things we have to do that we’d rather not. Ever cleaned a bathroom? Picked out a health insurance plan? Packed up everything in your house and moved it somewhere else?
There’s more than one way to shift your attitude toward things you aren’t looking forward to, but one really simple way is to ask yourself “How can this be fun?” Typically, there’s at least one small thing you can do to make the situation more pleasant (e.g., putting on some background music or listening to a podcast while cleaning the bathroom) and it can make a big difference.
Where is the humor in this situation?
Not all situations are funny but sometimes it helps to laugh at the plight of being human. On more than one occasion, I’ve burst out laughing in the middle of an argument because it suddenly occurred to me that we were just two imperfect people trying our best but failing tremendously to communicate. It was kind of endearing.
I actually wouldn’t suggest doing this, if you can help it, because the person tends to think you are laughing at them. What I would suggest, though, is looking for the humor in any situation you’re taking incredibly seriously that is causing you anxiety. Sometimes it’s not there but sometimes it is and, in those cases, finding it can really lighten the burden.
Can I be more okay with uncertainty?
So much of our worry comes from our dislike of the unknown. But if you really think about it, there’s almost nothing in life you can absolutely be sure of. This can be either alarming or freeing depending on how you choose to see it. If you ask me, working on your attitude toward uncertainty is probably the number one way to worry less. How do you do that?
For starters, really wrap your head around the fact that almost nothing is certain. There’s no way to know for sure that people will have fun at your wedding, for instance. There’s no magical band or photo booth or even open bar that will ensure someone won’t just be in a bad mood that day. And you know what, that’s fine.
A relevant personal story
So Tuesday is usually my blog-writing day but yesterday I felt sick after eating lunch. Then I felt sick for the rest of the day. I laid on the couch, heating pad across my stomach, worrying about this blog. Would it get done? Would this be the first of many times I would wait until the very last minute to write? But then I asked myself, “What if this wasn’t a big deal?” And it turns out it wasn’t. I’m learning almost nothing is. I just have to keep reminding myself.
P.S. If someone doesn’t have a good time at your wedding, it’s not your problem. <3